So I've had 2 nights on the trot when I have slept. I feel infinitely more un-tired (is thats a word!). I also ate a huge meal (for me) last night that John made but today I don't feel at all hungry.

I moved the bedroom around yesterday. You know, new start, new life, etc. Simplified and tidied. Thats the ground floor and middle floors sorted out. Just the top floor to organise - and a lot of that will be throwing stuff away. Some might end up on eBay but I don't have the drive to do it. Today I stayed in/on bed all day - and I haven't got myself a headache! Something is definately wrong with me.

Tonight is Bingo at the pub and then off to see Tim, Kim et al down The London for a while. Tomorrow sees me going for my first counselling session - an initial appraisal of how fucked up I am :)

I thought it was last Thursday and rang them 1hr before my appointment to check that I had the right directions only to be told that it was the following week. Good job I didn't turn up or they would have thought I was a right nut job.

Tomorrow night would have seen me down the Back Bar checking out the acoustic night, but as it is the last Thursday of the month, it'll be the music quiz night. Quiz nights are normally cool - but a music quiz in a pub full of musicians is just asking for failure.

Anyway, I'll update tomorrow with details of what happened at my counselling session and whether I've been sectioned or not. If I have been, I won't be updating of course...

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[link]   Posted @ 17:31

So she's gone. Saturday was bad, but now I think I'm coping. Won some money at the quiz last night and today is cleaning day. Kids were great at the weekend - which helped.

I think I am beginning to feel a little better - I have my first counselling session on Thursday and I'm hoping that will help even more.

I'm still very down, but yesterday I actually missed being at work. I think that is a good thing.

Anyway, here is a thingy:

THE LETTER A
available?: Yes
age?: 35
annoyances?: incompetence, ignorance, bigotry

THE LETTER B
big house?: 5 bed townhouse, so yes
birthday?: 10th August
best friend(s): Tim, Ian, Andy, Paul, Shell

THE LETTER C
candy?: Prefer chocolate
crush?: hmmm...
cried?: almost continually

THE LETTER D
daydream?: no
day: Tuesday
last date?: over 3 years ago. Need to start again though

THE LETTER E
eggs?: poached, fried, scrambled, omelette - anyway is fine with me
been in the emergency room?: Yep. 2000 - smashed leg
easiest thing ever to do?: dance while drunk

THE LETTER F
flown in a plane: Yes
use fly swatters?: no. rolled up paper
used a foghorn?: no

THE LETTER G
chew gum?: sometimes
giver or a taker?: mostly a giver but enjoy taking :)
gummy candies?: no

THE LETTER H
how are you?: depressed but hopefully improving
hair?: not a lot of it. steadily losing it...

THE LETTER I
favorite ice cream? mint choc chip
ice skated?: yep
play an instrument?: no

THE LETTER J
favorite jelly bean?: dont really like them
jewelry?: used to wear a necklace but need new leather thong. ring on right hand

THE LETTER K
who do you want to kill ?: no-one I think
want kids?: have 2 already. not sure if I want any more
where did go to playschool ?: I didnt

THE LETTER L
laid back?: very
do you lie?: I used to. now - not so much

THE LETTER M
favorite movie? tricky, I have too many.
like mangos?: yes

THE LETTER N
nickname?: Tudds, Tubbs
favorite number? 42
night or day?: Night

LETTER O
one wish?: To be loved unconditionally
only child?: 1 of 2

THE LETTER P
most paranoid?: no
pet peeves?: wish I could be more honest with myself
personality trait you look for in girls?: feisty, loving, nymphomaniac

THE LETTER Q
favorite quote?: "You're pissing me off, you ugly son of a bitch" Evil Ash-Army Of Darkness
quick to judge people?: no. I'm generally too trusting

THE LETTER R
always right?: Yes
reality TV?: hate it, wont watch it

THE LETTER S
sun or rain?: rain
like snow: love snow
favorite season?: Autumn

The LETTER T
what time is it?: 09.53
what time did you wake up?: 08.45
slept in a tent?: yes

THE LETTER U
wearing underwear?: yes
underwear or boxers?: boxers

THE LETTER V
worst veggie?: asparagus
vacation?: yes please. anywhere...

THE LETTER W
worst habit?: smoking
worst fear?: Being alone

THE LETTER X
ever had an x-ray?: yes, quite a few

THE LETTER Y:
Do you like yams?: yes

THE LETTER Z:
Ever stroked a zebra?: no.

[ 2 comments : Add | Read ]

[link]   Posted @ 09:58

Quiet here isn't it?

When I have something to say, I will say it. Needless to say, I am alive and well (although not entirely). But I'm not saying anything until I feel "improved". So it will be a little quiet around here until then.

Love ya

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[link]   Posted @ 12:47

So yesterday, I went to the Drs.

I explained all my issues and problems and he fired up a questionnaire thing on his screen, asked me to answer a load of questions and was diagnosed with "Severe Depression".

I've been signed off for a minimum of 2 weeks (to be increased), been prescribed Citalopram(!) and referred for counselling.

Welcome to 2007!

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[link]   Posted @ 21:14

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[link]   Posted @ 09:41

OK, todays post comes from a deranged mind in a state of panic. I need to purge my own demons and get some (a mere scraping) of my thoughts and feelings out in the open. This isn't aimed at anyone in particular, but I hope a certain someone reads this and gets an understanding of what the hell is going on in my head.

Before I start, lets make one thing clear. Shell is not to blame for the way I'm feeling. I am. More to the point - my head is. Everything that I'm feeling is going on in my head and thats quite a scary place for anything to happen. Let alone real life.

Shell is moving on with her life, she went to Amsterdam for a couple of days last week and in January she is off to Australia for a month. If she likes it - she might move there permanently. She has made new friends and I think she is probably starting a new relationship. For some reason, she seems to think that I have a problem with it. And I don't. I want her to be happy, but all I seem to be doing is screwing everything up.

I miss the friendship we used to have. I miss the "chatting-about-everything-and-nothing" we used to do. I know that this is the kind of thing that only a couple normally share, but when our relationship ended, we were meant to be friends. Best friends. And up until we went to Morocco - we had that.

For the previous 3 years, I've had someone to open up to, to vent my feelings to and tell them what was bothering me. I didn't expect advice, just someone to listen to me and chat about my fears and worries.

I don't have that any more and frankly, its fucking killing me. To be honest, I'm not coping with it very well at all. I haven't slept properly for ages in my bed and now find myself sleeping on the couch each night, falling asleep to the lilting tones of the TV. I can't concentrate at work, I'm snappy at home and Shell is bearing the brunt of it. I'm burning out.

This Christmas/New Year period has been difficult. I've missed being in the places I've been the past couple of years, associating with the people I know there. It feels like I've had an arm chopped off or something.

I have a new circle of friends and they are great. For some reason, they think I'm fun. Which is odd - cos I don't generally feel like a fun person. Maybe I'll find someone special. Maybe I wont. I miss having someone. That someone isn't Shell anymore (and thats fine) - its just the general lack of the "someone-ness".

Now, I know this is all normal during a breakup, but it wasn't meant to be like this. It was meant to be amicable. We were best friends until very recently and neither of us has done anything to break that - its just started falling apart. And the idea of Shell not being my friend is unbearable. Yet all I seem to be doing is antagonising her and making an odd situation into a bad situation.

And do you know why? I miss her. Not in a sexual way or a girl/boyfriend way but as in losing a best friend.

So here I am. I've been awake for 30 hours straight - I am a little hungover and I have a dull ache in my head (just behind the eyes) and I am so incredibly down. I've been depressed before and I know I am getting near to that state again. I have work tomorrow, but I might go to the Drs. I need some time and maybe some medical assistance to get my head together.

Why?

• I'm 35.
• I'm single.
• I have 2 kids who I see every other weekend.
• I live in rented accomodation.
• I'm mostly broke.
• I'm slightly overweight.
• My closest friend for the past 3 years is about to desert me.
• I feel unloved.
• My job is going down the shitter.
• My prospects are just above zero.

[ 6 comments : Add | Read ]

[link]   Posted @ 14:59

So, I've had the kids since Boxing Day. I worked from home yesterday and am in the office today. Shell had them until this afternoon when their Nan picked them up and she's got them overnight until I pick them up tomorrow (as I'll be working from home again).

Shell has buggered off somewhere for a couple of days - no idea where, but it involved the airport. Which means its either Scotland or mainland Europe, as she's back on Saturday morning. Hmm - unless she has gone to New York on a shopping trip! Hadn't thought of that until I was typing this...

It was Tims birthday yesterday, so I shall be going out at the weekend to celebrate his b/day and New Years by the looks of it.

Plus I need to remove some shite from my garage. A table, a sofa, some alloy wheels and some other crap, so Dave has agreed to come down with his Isuzu pickup and assist me. Excellent!

Tonight I shall be getting home, watching some episodes of CSI:Miami on DVD, fixing a snack for myself and then bed I think. (Won't be able to sleep due to lack of a Shell-shaped-body in the bed though). I was tempted to go down to the pub, but its quiz night and it looks like I might have a weekend of heavy drinking coming up, so the more sleep I can get, the better.

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[link]   Posted @ 15:58

So, Christmas didn't turn out so badly after all. No Xmas shag though, which was a resounding disappointment, buy hey! Xmas lunch was superb - I was up at Shell's parents and they served ham and beef that had spent a few weeks in the butchers pickling jar. Fantastic taste - but made for some vomit inducing visits to the toilet the next day. Man - were they ripe!

And now, the all important pressie list:

Clothes
YSL T-shirt
Nickelson T-shirt
Next long sleeve T-shirt
Ben Sherman jacket
Ringspun Blazer with Black Sabbath thing on the back
2x T-shirts from Rhiannon

Misc
Scooby Doo Cyber Chase board game (from Chandler)
Terrys Dark Chocolate Orange (from the kids)
Oral-B electric toothbrush
Thorntons Dark Chocolates
Leather travel organiser
Pierre Cardin Wallet
A funnel
A "Fancy a shag" bath sheet
Travel Chess
Homer Simpson Choc-Marshmallow Mug
Bottle of "Death" Chili Sauce
Bottle of Captain Morgans Rum
Tube of smarties
Bench watch
Potty Putter (golf for when you are on the toilet)

Books
Man Walks into a Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-liners
The unpublished milligan Box 18
Horror: The Complete Guide to the Cinema of Fear
"I am Jackie Chan" autoboiography
Rock Legends boxset (Bios of Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Aerosmith,
AC/DC and Status Quo)
Captain underpants collection (8 books)

Not a bad haul, eh?

Next year will be considerably less, as there will more than likely be no-one to buy for me apart from the kids and a couple of friends. Which is kind of sad, but also means that my Xmas expenditure will be considerably reduced due to having less people to buy for!

The funniest thing over Xmas - on Boxing Day, seeing a Robosapien beat up and stamp the crap out of a small wall-climbing robot. Superb!

I was back at work today and actually had some calls in to sort out - which was quite amazing. The RoI have a Bank Holiday, so I am currently the only network person who is in (all the UK guys are on holiday).

Sad news is that James Brown died on Xmas Day. What a legend...

I'll probably update before the New Year, but if not - have a good one :)

btw I'm feeling a lot better now than I was in my last post. Thanks for the comments.

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[link]   Posted @ 14:11

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[link]   Posted @ 08:41

So, 3 Xmas parties out of the way. My team one, a gatecrashed one (thanks Tim et al) and my department one on Tuesday night.

There was much drinking, much laughter - which made up for the fucking atrocious food they served. AND NO PUDDING! (well, apart from the chocolate fountain but that no good to someone with lactose intolerance).

Everyone was a given $50 in funny money so you could play Roulette or BlackJack. I went for the BlackJack and started off with $100. The idea was, whoever had the most chips at the end of the night won a bottle of champagne. The winning total of $31,225 was cashed in around 1/2hr before the tables shut. I played up until the house closed - my final hand took me to $28,605!!!!!

If it had been real money, I may well be out celebrating still :)

Anyhoo - here are a couple of pictures of me from the night. One looking relaxed and the other appears to be me doing a "Compo" from Last Of The Summer Wine. God knows....

Cool as a a cucumber

Erm...

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[link]   Posted @ 09:03