When's the last time you ran? Couple of weeks ago. Ran across the road and strained my ankle, leaving me unable to walk for 4 days.

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? Yes. I buy them like that

What are you dreading right now? Lots of things.

Do you celebrate 4/20? What?

Favorite ice cream? Ben & Jerry's "Cookie Dough"

When was your last doctor's visit? Last friday

Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? Hahahahahaha. See #007

"First Loves Are Never Over;" is this true for you? No

Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back? Jesus fucking christ! Certainly not. I'd fuck a couple but not get back with them.

If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would they find you wearing? T-shirt and shorts

Have you ever been on your school's track team? No

Do you own a pair of Converse? No

Who did you copy and paste this survey from? Motorman

Do you eat raw cookie dough? Yes

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? Yes, quite often

Don't you hate when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? Depends on the song

Do you watch Trading Spaces? What?

How do you eat oreos? Split them in 2, remove the filling and then finish the 2 biscuity sides

Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? Yes

Are you cocky? Pretty much

Could you live without a computer? No

Do you wear your shoes in the house? Sometimes

At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? I was brought up a Jehovahs Witness - figure it out for yourself

How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? At least 7

What do you do when you're sad? Drink or do something childlike

Who would you call first if you won the lottery? No idea. Possibly my nan or sister

Last time you saw your best friend? Today

Who or what sleeps with you? Cats

Are you/have you ever been in love? Yes

Pancakes or french toast? Pancakes

How do you like your eggs? Poached is favourite

Are you in highschool? No

Is anyone on your bad side right now? Not really

What jewelry are you wearing? A pewter coffin on a leather thong around my neck and a ring on my right hand

What's the first thing you do when you get online? E-mail

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? No but the title tune is one of my favourite songs

How do most people spell your name? Badly :)

Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? Yes but as I am always larger than them, it does make it a moot point

Where do you work? Hewlett Packard

What are you doing tomorrow? Go to the office, come home, go to the pub

Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? No

Favorite name for a girl? Felicity (my daughter is called Rhiannon)

Favorite name for a boy? Eoin (my son is called Chandler)

Will you keep your last name whenif you get married? Not getting married again (unless the right girl can convince me otherwise)

Your favorite restaurant you don't get to eat much at? An Italian in Bristol

When is the last time you left your house? Last night for bingo

How do you eat your steak? Medium rare

Do you return your cart? What?

Do you have a dishwasher? No

What noise do you hear? My housemates music and the hum of computer fans

Would you survive in prison? Yes

Next concert you hope to go to? Magnum in May, Calvin Harris in June, Aerosmith in June

What was the last thing you ate? Coronation chicken in a cheesy bap

When was the last time you said I love you and meant it? No idea

Who is the youngest in your family? My 5yr old son?

If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would be most likely to over pack? The girls - duh!

Do you know anyone with the same name as you? No. With such a silly name, its quite rare

When is the last time you ate peanut butter? Dont like peanut butter

What service is your cell phone? O2

What's for dinner? Pizza?

What's the last thing you purchased? Rizla green and some slimline filters

Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? No

Where is your cell phone? On my bed

Is your phone on vibrate or ring? Both

Ever been to Georgia? No

Did you do breakfast this morning? No

Do you like marshmallows? Yes

What irritates you most on the internet? Arrogance and ignorance

What brand is your digital camera? Kodak

Do you watch movies with your parents? No

What song best describes your life right now? Rogue Waves - Eyes

Are you taking college classes right now? No

Do you like sushi? Yes

Do you get your hair cut every month? I do it myself, so whenever I feel like it

Do you go online everyday? Yep

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[link]   Posted @ 14:06

Check out this Google search and you will be given a whole host of Windows XP keys. This is because people have posted their Belarc Advisor results onto the web - hahahaha!

http://www.google.com/search?q=%22Windows+XP+Professional%22+%22Belarc+Advisor+Current+Profile%22+key%3A

Enjoy!

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[link]   Posted @ 08:56

So. There is a song called Stop Me by Mark Ronson. I heard it a couple of weeks ago while in my friend Beckys car. I was singing along to it, thinking "I know all the words but don't know the song". She was amazed as it was a brand new song and couldn't understand how I knew the words.

Of course, I was singing the words all wrong, as the song was actually Stop Me If You Think That You've Heard This One Before by The Smiths...

Fucking cheek! And the way it becomes You Keep Me Hanging On by the The Supremes. It works, but how fucking retarded.

I have just re-edited this whole post, as I realised that I far too many " marks in it :)

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[link]   Posted @ 20:55

Transmission starts
---

This is being posted from my laptop. Nothing strange there I here you say. However, I am sat in the park opposite my house (where the kids are playing) - which is kinda cool.

I also discovered a couple of unsecured wireless networks - which may need further investigation - hahaha!

---
Transmission over

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[link]   Posted @ 15:05

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[link]   Posted @ 07:05

I received this from a friend of mine today:

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:

"This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package."

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

"She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on. Was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it." He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothings he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said:

"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion".

I still think those words changed my life.
Now I read more and clean less.
I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family, and less at work.
I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through.
I no longer keep anything.
I use crystal glasses every day.
I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i feel like it.
I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to.
The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary.
If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now.
I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell.
I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.
She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.
I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food.
It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.

I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters... letters that i wanted to write "One of this days".
I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brothers and sons, not times enough at least, how much I love them.
Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives.
And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day.
Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.
If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because, probably, there's someone you care about.
If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you say to yourself that you will send it "One of these days", remember that "One day" is far away... or might never come...

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[link]   Posted @ 14:27

If anyone is still reading this blog - please leave a comment. Then I will update it. Or something :)

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[link]   Posted @ 09:05

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[link]   Posted @ 16:38

Still here. Not much to say. I think I'm starting to feel better, but once I have a good day, something happens to fuck it all up. And it's back to square 1 again... It keeps happening with alarming regularity.

Items of news - I got myself a new amp for my hi-fi. The old one (Yamaha AX-550) had never worked properly (crackles unless you keep reselecting the source) since Puss took to sleeping on it. So I now have the following in my hi-fi rack:

Skyworth 3650 DVD/DivX Player
Pioneer F-203RDS Tuner
Yamaha CDX-870 CD Player
Cambridge Audio A5 Amplifier

And I got my JPW passive sub from the garage and set it all up. I now have a kicking stereo in my room again and I'm using it continually.

The biggest gripe I have with it all is the DVD player. I've made some DVDs full of MP3s, but there is no way to skip the currently playing track and its really pissing me off. I can select another track but not skip (useful in random mode when some crap comes on). Why the hell not? Stupid thing...

I've also finally unpacked my Xbox, so I might just get that chipped and then it can read the MP3s directly from the network.

Motorman posted a thingy, so here is mine :)

LAYER ONE - The Cold Hard Facts...
-- Name: Tudor
-- Birthdate: 10th August 1971
-- Birthplace: Ashcombe House, Weston-super-Mare
-- Current Location: Weston-super-Mare
-- Eye Color: Brown
-- Hair Color: Brown (what there is of it)
-- Height: 6' 2"
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty.
-- Zodiac Sign: Leo

LAYER TWO - Less Vital Facts
-- Your heritage: English. Though some Welsh, so I am led to believe, from a few generations back
-- The shoes you wore today: Lonsdale Cambden Slip III
-- Your weakness: Drink, sex, shopping
-- Your fears: Being abandoned. Dying alone
-- Your fandom(s)/other geeky obsessions: Computers, music, science fiction/fantasy

LAYER THREE
-- Most overused phrase on IM: Hola
-- Your first thoughts on waking up: "Oh well. Not last night then."
-- Your best physical feature: My eyes
-- Your bedtime: late or early depending on which you look at it
-- Your perfect pizza: Thin crust double pepperoni
-- Most amusing thing you've been asked recently: "Why are you thinking about trying to find out if you can fit in your oven?"
-- Most missed memory: Not going there at the moment.

LAYER FOUR - This or that
-- Pepsi or Coke: Diet Coke with Cherry
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Pg Tips
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Tea (midly allergic to coffee)
-- Single or group dates: Done both
-- Day or Night: Either

LAYER FIVE - Do you...
-- Smoke: Yes.
-- Swear: Fucking dumbass question. Too much.
-- Sing: Yes. Been told its good, but I'm not confident enough to do so
-- Take a shower everyday: Mostly
-- Have a crush(es): Not at the moment.
-- Do you think you've been in love: Definately
-- Want to go to college: No
-- Like high school: No
-- Want to get married: Been married twice. Not sure I'd do it again
-- Believe in yourself: Sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: No
-- Think you're attractive: Others say so, I think not
-- Think you're a health freak: No way
-- Get along with your parents: Not in the slightest
-- Like thunderstorms: Love them
-- Play an instrument: No

LAYER SIX: In the past month have you...
-- Drunk alcohol: Yes.
-- Smoked: Yes
-- Done drugs: Yes
-- Read or watched porn: Yes
-- Had Sex: No
-- Made Out: No
-- Gone on a date: Yes
-- Gone to the mall?: Yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Yes
-- Eaten sushi: No
-- Been on stage: No
-- Been dumped: No
-- Gone skating: No
-- Made homemade cookies: No
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen anything: No

LAYER SEVEN: Yes or no
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes
-- Been caught "doing something": Yes
-- Been called a tease: Yes
-- Gotten beaten up: No
-- Shoplifted: Yes
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Yes

LAYER EIGHT - Hopes
-- Age you hope to be married? Did that at 20 and 27
-- Numbers and Names of future Children? Not having any if I can help it
-- Describe your dream wedding: Not having one
-- How do you want to die? On a high
-- Where you want to go to college? Not relevant
-- What country would you most like to visit? Several
-- Goal you'd like to achieve? Finding a job I love and a person to love. Oh and finding out if I can fit in my oven

LAYER NINE: In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? Doesn't matter
-- Best hair color? Doesn't matter
-- Best hair length: Doesn't matter
-- Best Height: Shorter than me
-- Best weight: They have to be slim
-- Best articles of clothing: White see-through thong
-- Best first date location: Eiffel Tower
-- Best first kiss location: Lips

LAYER TEN - Numbers
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: I have no idea. Is that types? >10. Or is it number of times? Too many
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 3 or 4
-- Number of CDs that I own: 120+
-- Number of piercings: None
-- Number of tattoos: 4
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: None that I am aware of
-- Number of scars on my body: 5
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: Most of it apart from my 2 children

I was meant to be going up to Tecno's 30th party this weekend, but I don't feel up to it and I've got a stinking cold/flu. Just what I need. Hope he has a good one.

Jon was meant to be coming down tomorrow but his meeting in Bristol today has been cancelled, so I won't be seeing him for a few weeks yet.

Ho-hum!

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[link]   Posted @ 15:52

OK. Here goes. A mind dump of stuff:-

So after a reasonable nights sleep last night (5 hrs) I woke up properly and felt pretty decent.

It didn't last (thanks!).

I have my initial counselling session in less than 2 hours and frankly I'm dreading it. I've made a list of stuff but thats mostly symptoms not causes. Its the causes that I need help with identifying and dealing with. I know a few of them and they are both new ones and very, very old ones.

I don't want to feel the way I feel. I hate the way I feel and I hate that I'm not in a position to help myself and that just makes the whole thing even worse.

If anyone thinks I'm attention seeking or "wanting to be unique", they are so, so wrong. If I wanted to be unique I would find a much much better way of doing it - professional bungee jumper or something. Something that made me feel good about myself - not something that makes me want to crawl away from life at every turn. I don't want attention. I want people to ignore me but at the same time I need people I love to be near me.

I have a craving to be loved and be recognised as me, Tudor Davies, not labelled as anything but me. I need to find "myself" not what other people want me to be. I need to find happiness for myself, whatever the hell that is. Doing whatever it is that will make me happy. Whether that be my lifestyle, my finances, my job, my family or whatever. I need to feel happy. I need to be me. If that means I drop out of the "rat race" for a period of time, then thats what I need to do. I think. Or maybe I don't. What I mustn't do, is do anything drastic that I might regret and make things worse.

Thinking clearly isn't something I'm capable of at the moment. One minute I feel OK and make a decision, the next, I'm crying because I haven't emptied the bin or something. An instrumental song from a random CD makes me sob. A comment on the TV makes me all thoughtful for hours and hours.

And the worst thing - there is nowhere to escape from your head. You can't walk away from it. You can't turn the music up loud to drown it out. No matter where you go, its there, protruding into your everyday life and making its nonsense known in public. Drinking takes the noise away but it comes back stronger when you've stopped, so its only temporary.

A scary thing is realising that only I can help myself - no-one else. All anyone else can do to help is listen. Not comment or offer advice. Just listen. There are things going on around me that I can see clearly and could fix - but they are other peoples problems. As someone who can't even look his own problems in the face, how can I even attempt to explain to someone how to solve theirs? And I'm not in a position to help myself at the moment and I am the only one that can help me. Can you see how that make one feel?

Anyway, thats enough for now.

Let's hope the session this afternoon provides me with something. Not answers (I'm not expecting any miracles) but maybe a direction. Something to look forward to. Maybe a path to where I don't dread going to sleep or dread waking up...

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[link]   Posted @ 14:25