OK, todays post comes from a deranged mind in a state of panic. I need to purge my own demons and get some (a mere scraping) of my thoughts and feelings out in the open. This isn't aimed at anyone in particular, but I hope a certain someone reads this and gets an understanding of what the hell is going on in my head.

Before I start, lets make one thing clear. Shell is not to blame for the way I'm feeling. I am. More to the point - my head is. Everything that I'm feeling is going on in my head and thats quite a scary place for anything to happen. Let alone real life.

Shell is moving on with her life, she went to Amsterdam for a couple of days last week and in January she is off to Australia for a month. If she likes it - she might move there permanently. She has made new friends and I think she is probably starting a new relationship. For some reason, she seems to think that I have a problem with it. And I don't. I want her to be happy, but all I seem to be doing is screwing everything up.

I miss the friendship we used to have. I miss the "chatting-about-everything-and-nothing" we used to do. I know that this is the kind of thing that only a couple normally share, but when our relationship ended, we were meant to be friends. Best friends. And up until we went to Morocco - we had that.

For the previous 3 years, I've had someone to open up to, to vent my feelings to and tell them what was bothering me. I didn't expect advice, just someone to listen to me and chat about my fears and worries.

I don't have that any more and frankly, its fucking killing me. To be honest, I'm not coping with it very well at all. I haven't slept properly for ages in my bed and now find myself sleeping on the couch each night, falling asleep to the lilting tones of the TV. I can't concentrate at work, I'm snappy at home and Shell is bearing the brunt of it. I'm burning out.

This Christmas/New Year period has been difficult. I've missed being in the places I've been the past couple of years, associating with the people I know there. It feels like I've had an arm chopped off or something.

I have a new circle of friends and they are great. For some reason, they think I'm fun. Which is odd - cos I don't generally feel like a fun person. Maybe I'll find someone special. Maybe I wont. I miss having someone. That someone isn't Shell anymore (and thats fine) - its just the general lack of the "someone-ness".

Now, I know this is all normal during a breakup, but it wasn't meant to be like this. It was meant to be amicable. We were best friends until very recently and neither of us has done anything to break that - its just started falling apart. And the idea of Shell not being my friend is unbearable. Yet all I seem to be doing is antagonising her and making an odd situation into a bad situation.

And do you know why? I miss her. Not in a sexual way or a girl/boyfriend way but as in losing a best friend.

So here I am. I've been awake for 30 hours straight - I am a little hungover and I have a dull ache in my head (just behind the eyes) and I am so incredibly down. I've been depressed before and I know I am getting near to that state again. I have work tomorrow, but I might go to the Drs. I need some time and maybe some medical assistance to get my head together.

Why?

• I'm 35.
• I'm single.
• I have 2 kids who I see every other weekend.
• I live in rented accomodation.
• I'm mostly broke.
• I'm slightly overweight.
• My closest friend for the past 3 years is about to desert me.
• I feel unloved.
• My job is going down the shitter.
• My prospects are just above zero.

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[link]   Posted @ 14:59