|
OK. Here goes. A mind dump of stuff:-
So after a reasonable nights sleep last night (5 hrs) I woke up properly and felt pretty decent.
It didn't last (thanks!).
I have my initial counselling session in less than 2 hours and frankly I'm dreading it. I've made a list of stuff but thats mostly symptoms not causes. Its the causes that I need help with identifying and dealing with. I know a few of them and they are both new ones and very, very old ones.
I don't want to feel the way I feel. I hate the way I feel and I hate that I'm not in a position to help myself and that just makes the whole thing even worse.
If anyone thinks I'm attention seeking or "wanting to be unique", they are so, so wrong. If I wanted to be unique I would find a much much better way of doing it - professional bungee jumper or something. Something that made me feel good about myself - not something that makes me want to crawl away from life at every turn. I don't want attention. I want people to ignore me but at the same time I need people I love to be near me.
I have a craving to be loved and be recognised as me, Tudor Davies, not labelled as anything but me. I need to find "myself" not what other people want me to be. I need to find happiness for myself, whatever the hell that is. Doing whatever it is that will make me happy. Whether that be my lifestyle, my finances, my job, my family or whatever. I need to feel happy. I need to be me. If that means I drop out of the "rat race" for a period of time, then thats what I need to do. I think. Or maybe I don't. What I mustn't do, is do anything drastic that I might regret and make things worse.
Thinking clearly isn't something I'm capable of at the moment. One minute I feel OK and make a decision, the next, I'm crying because I haven't emptied the bin or something. An instrumental song from a random CD makes me sob. A comment on the TV makes me all thoughtful for hours and hours.
And the worst thing - there is nowhere to escape from your head. You can't walk away from it. You can't turn the music up loud to drown it out. No matter where you go, its there, protruding into your everyday life and making its nonsense known in public. Drinking takes the noise away but it comes back stronger when you've stopped, so its only temporary.
A scary thing is realising that only I can help myself - no-one else. All anyone else can do to help is listen. Not comment or offer advice. Just listen. There are things going on around me that I can see clearly and could fix - but they are other peoples problems. As someone who can't even look his own problems in the face, how can I even attempt to explain to someone how to solve theirs? And I'm not in a position to help myself at the moment and I am the only one that can help me. Can you see how that make one feel?
Anyway, thats enough for now.
Let's hope the session this afternoon provides me with something. Not answers (I'm not expecting any miracles) but maybe a direction. Something to look forward to. Maybe a path to where I don't dread going to sleep or dread waking up...
|
