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To quote Mr Dylan:
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
The reason for this? Cos thats they way I feel presently. Why?
Shell and I broke up last Tuesday
We are still in the same house, still the best of friends but now living separate lives.
The feeling you get when, what you hoped was "forever" turns out not to be, for me: debilitating.
I have always compartmentalised my problems, issues, hopes, dreams, needs, wants and desires, etc. It gives me an objective view of life and where I am going (if anywhere). Each of these "mind boxes" is labelled neatly and everything is organised within them. Little search/compare algorithms detail what/when/where I do things, based on the contents of the other boxes.
Now, however, 99% of them are sat in a broken box labelled Fucked in a musty corner. All of them have a bemused look on their face that says "What were you expecting?"
There is another box in the room, that for some years has been hidden away. It's labelled "Fears/Sadness". It hasn't seen the light for some time, but now there is a 10,000,000 candle spotlight on it and its alive and ready to unload its contents.
I've been here before and I'm scared. I'm scared that I will let all those things back out and I'll descend back into the fug of the life I've led before. And it has to be said - I hate life then. I have an outward appearance of enjoying myself, but inside I'm hollow and dying.
There must be something seriously wrong inside my head. Let me tell you why I think that; whenever I am in a relationship, I always expect it to be an episode of "Candid Camera" - that *everyone* (apart from me) is in on the joke. The joke is that I fall in love and believe that I can actually be happy and then *WHAM* - the carpet gets pulled out from under me and everyone gets to have a laugh at my expense.
Hmm - maybe there is a darker, underlying fear here... but I'll leave that for another post :D
At the end of the day, I've had 2 years, 8 months and 28 days with a bright, exciting, sexy, spirited and beautiful person. We've travelled around Europe, had a laugh and had fun. Maybe I should just be happy that I've had that...
Oh. FUCK!
Anyway, welcome to my life...
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