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I have been thinking recently about how the kids and I will be when we start having contact again. Their bedroom, etc at my house is still as they left it the last time they were there. Nothing else has changed very much in the time we have been apart, so I'm hoping that they will be able to slip into normality of being with daddy pretty quickly.
6 months of being without them has been pretty weird, I can tell you. Those of you that read this who are parents should hopefully be able to understand it a little, but its felt like having a chunk of me missing or lopped off. Yes, they tired me out, yes they were sometimes noisy or naughty, but I have missed:- their little smiles
- random hugging
- cuddles before bedtime
- wanting me to be involved in their games/stories/activities
- the way Rhiannon would play on her own and put on little voices as she pretended in her little world
- Chandlers infectious giggle
- bleary eyed mornings
- reading stories at bedtime
- having the car seats in my car
- carrying a rucksack and wet wipes with me at all times
- cooking their meals
- helping them choose their cloths
- teaching Rhiannon French words
- having Chandler sat in my window watching trucks and diggers in the mornings
to name but a few :)
The contact session I had with them a couple of weeks ago was very relaxed and it felt right. You know when you get that feeling inside that everything is good, you are happy in your moment and your loved ones feel loved... it was that and I realised how much I missed that feeling and how Rhiannon and Chandler contributed to that feeling. It's a different feeling from the one you get with your partner (similarly described), as indeed the love I feel for my children and Shell are 2 entirely different things (and rightly so).
I hope tomorrow leaves my children in a situation where within a short period of time, they again feel loved by me, their father, their Daddy and know that nothing and no-one will take that away from them. I need them in my life, as much as I need Shell and the correct mix of oxygen and other gases.
Tomorrow should be a day for celebration. Shell and I will have been together for 9 months (our first date was December 2nd 2003). And the court may well grant Rhiannon and Chandler contact with me. I might get chance to update tomorrow, but I expect its going to be Friday before I can let you know the outcome.
Shell - I love you far more than I probably show and I hope these are first 9 months of many.
Rhiannon - I think you start school again tomorrow, so all the best for the first day of your second school year. Daddy loves you and he's missed you, see you soon.
Chandler - my little man. You make me chuckle whenever you're with me. See you soon for trains, diggers and fun. Love you.
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